2008 Upfronts (part seven)

Since the new television season is right around the corner, this will be my last official "2008 Upfronts" blog. Fortunately for you, it will immediately be replaced by my "Fall Season 2008" blog series.

Note that I have a "Look Familiar?" section for each show that has any predominant actors in it. I know how a personal favourite can make a viewer tune into a show that they might not normally watch. Otherwise one might miss the brilliance of a Burn Notice or a Townies.

So here they are in all their miserable glory, sorted by the day of the week that they air for your convenience:

SUNDAY
In Harm's Way (The CW/Media Rights Capital)
An hour-long reality show that focuses on the lives of people doing various dangerous jobs, including war photographers, oil well cappers, Coast Guard divers, and minesweepers.
(Sort of like America's Toughest Jobs on NBC only on a network that you'll never find.)

Surviving Suburbia (The CW/Media Rights Capital)
A half-hour comedy that focuses on a grumpy blue-collar worker, Keith Stevers, his wife Anne, and their two children, Henry and Courtney. Everything seems normal for the Steverses until new next-door neighbors cause several problems, turning their suburban lifestyle upside-down.
(Apparently one of the "problems" is that the new 17 year old girl next door makes Keith's pants feel a little tight. Eww.)
Look Familiar?: Bob Saget

Valentine (The CW/Media Rights Capital)
A romantic dramedy about Greek deities – Aphrodite; Eros; Hercules; and Phoebe, seer of the Oracle of Delphi – who live amongst humans, bringing soulmates together while keeping their true identities a secret.
(So that the Christians don't stone them to death, I suppose.)

Easy Money (The CW/Media Rights Capital)
A dramedy which follows 28-year-old Morgan Buffkin, who suddenly finds himself in charge of Prestige Payday Loans, his eccentric family's enormously successful short-term loan sharking business. Any doubts Morgan has about running his family's business take back seat to the problems he has dealing with his family.
(Apparently if you like Dirty Sexy Money, you can watch the reruns on The CW. Get it? Because this show is just like that one? Oh nevermind.)
Look Familiar?: Judge Reinhold, Laurie Metcalf

MONDAY
Worst Week (CBS)
A sitcom about a soon-to-be married couple who go on a family holiday with their in-laws for a week. Over the course of the week, the groom keeps getting into all kinds of unexplainable embarrassment, causing his in-laws to hate him.
(Yes, this is a Meet The Parents rip-off. Were you really expecting something original? You do know there was a writer's strike, right?)
Look Familiar?: Kurtwood Smith

My Own Worst Enemy (NBC)
Henry Spivey is a middle-class efficiency expert living a humdrum life in the suburbs with a wife, two kids, a dog, and a minivan. Edward Albright is a secret operative who speaks thirteen languages, runs a four-minute mile, and is trained to kill. Henry and Edward are polar opposites who share only one thing in common – the same body. When the carefully constructed wall between them breaks down, Henry and Edward are thrust into unfamiliar territory where each man is dangerously out of his element.
(This show features one of my beloved Twin Peaks Girls so I am not picking it apart. (At least not today.))
Look Familiar?: Christian Slater, Mädchen Amick, Alfre Woodard

TUESDAY
Opportunity Knocks (ABC)
A game show that comes to contestants' houses and sets up show on their front yard. Then, in front of neighbors and friends, they are asked trivia questions about their own lives, in an attempt to win hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash and prizes.
(In other words it is a traveling version of Amne$ia, the defunct Dennis Miller game show.)

The Mentalist (CBS)
A police drama about Patrick Jane, an independent consultant with the California Bureau of Investigation, who has a remarkable track record for solving serious crimes by using his razor sharp skills of observation. Notorious for his blatant lack of protocol and his semi-celebrity past as a fake psychic medium, his role in cracking tough high-profile cases is greatly valued by his fellow agents.
(If you enjoy laughing out loud, watch Psych, which airs Fridays at 10:00pm on the USA Network. (Thanks Bill!) It's basically the same show as this one, only funny. If however you don't enjoy laughter, feel free to watch this show instead.)

90210 (The CW)
A teen drama which looks at life through the eyes of Annie Wilson and her adopted brother Dixon Wilson, whose first day at West Beverly Hills High School leaves no doubt that they're not in Kansas anymore. Annie and Dixon have a close sibling relationship, which they'll need to help them cope with all the new cliques and classmates. Further fueling their awkwardness is the fact that their dad is the new high school principal.
(Maybe during sweeps we will find out why it was necessary for Dixon to be adopted. Eww.)
Look Familiar?: Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty, Lori Loughlin

Privileged (The CW)
A drama set in Palm Beach's world of wealth and power, about the new tutor of a cosmetics mogul's twin teen granddaughters. The teen girls are beautiful, rebellious, and less-than-thrilled with their new tutor, who is nonetheless determined to win them over as she enjoys the perks of her new job – a breathtaking private suite, gorgeous convertible, and live-in chef Marco.
(Look, if you are still reading this instead of camping yourself out in front of your television waiting desperately for this show to premiere, you are not likely to watch it.)
Look Familiar?: Debi Mazar

Fringe (Fox)
A dramatic science-fiction series that deals with a research scientist, his son, and a female FBI agent. This show from Lost co-creator J.J. Abrams follows the FBI probe of the mysterious deaths aboard an airplane that landed at Boston's Logan Airport. But the deaths aboard Flight 627 are only the beginning of the story, which will have an overarching mythology.
(Look, if you are still reading this instead of camping yourself out in front of your television waiting desperately for this show to premiere, you are a fool.)
Look Familiar?: Mark Valley, Joshua Jackson

WEDNESDAY
Gary Unmarried [previously known as Project Gary] (CBS)
A sitcom about a charming divorced father who shares custody of his two children with his ex-wife. His discovery that his ex has become engaged to their marriage counselor forces him to move on and he eventually connects with a gorgeous single mother whose condo he was hired to paint.
(I'm contractually obligated to write something about each of these shows, but this one is simply so generic sounding that I've got nothing. Move along.)
Look Familiar?: Jay Mohr, Paula Marshall, Larry Miller

Stylista (The CW)
A fashion-themed reality series, with people competing for a job at Elle Magazine by working as "assistants" to Anne Slowey, Elle's Fashion News Director. Slowey is the demanding but well-respected fashion icon who will be responsible for firing and ultimately hiring the winner.
(Would it really surprise anyone if I said that this is a cross between Project Runway and The Apprentice? Anyone?)

Do Not Disturb [Previously known as The Inn] (Fox)
A comedy series set at one of New York City's hottest and hippest hotels. It features a detail-oriented general manager who will do whatever it takes to keep the hotel up to his personal standards, a head of Human Resources who runs the department with a set of rules all her own, an aging model at the front desk, a naive bellman who was hired to show off his chiseled face, a reservations clerk who dreams of pop-singer stardom, and the head of housekeeping who spends more time on the phone cleaning up his messes at home than he does cleaning up after the guests upstairs.
(This show is trying so hard to be funny that it is *literally* hemorrhaging hijinks!)
Look Familiar?: Jerry O'Connell, Robert Wagner

Knight Rider (NBC)
Crime-fighting supercar KITT returns in Mustang form in this sequel to the 1982 TV series. Here, the jaded ex-army ranger son of Michael Knight teams up with the intelligent automobile in order to fight crime with the help of both his former girlfriend and his best friend.
(If you missed out on the made-for-television movie earlier this year, then I am sorry to report that you will now have too difficult of a time catching up on the intricate and subtle nuances of this show. If you did catch it, then I am even more sorry for you.)
Sound Familiar?: Val Kilmer's voice

THURSDAY
Life On Mars (ABC)
A modern police detective wakes from a coma to find himself working as a cop in 1973 New York. He is forced to learn a different moral code and fight crime without any hi-tech assistance, while clashing with his new boss and seeking a way back to his future.
(If Journeyman didn't make the cut, then what are the odds for this grittier version? Very, very long odds.)
Look Familiar?: Harvey Keitel, Michael Imperioli, Gretchen Mol, Lisa Bonet, Colm Meaney

Eleventh Hour (CBS)
A science-fiction drama which follows Dr. Jacob Hood, a brilliant biophysicist and special science advisor to the government, who is called in at the eleventh hour to investigate scientific crises and oddities. His jurisdiction is absolute and he is dogged in his pursuit to protect the substance of science from those with nefarious motives.
(Although no show this year quite earned the coveted Shasta McNasty Award, this one comes the closest. If only they had stayed with their original title: Saved From Scary Science Stuff At The Last Possible Minute.)

Kath & Kim (NBC)
A sitcom about a dysfunctional mother and daughter that live in a suburban community in Florida. Kath is the foxy forty-something divorcée mom who finally has some time for herself. Kim is the mid-twenties daughter that dresses like a child and is obsessed with celebrities. When Kim decides to move back home after separating from her husband, Kath reluctantly agrees but is not about to cater to Kim's every whim as she has in the past.
(Is every freaking American show this season stolen from somewhere else?!?!? Specifically, this one is ripped off from our old penal colony, Australia. Hopefully this version doesn't have any boomerangs in it because they give me the willies. Unnatural, those things are.)
Look Familiar?: Molly Shannon, Selma Blair, John Michael Higgins

FRIDAY
The Ex-List (CBS)
An hour-long dramedy that follows a single, successful business owner who learns from a psychic that she has already dated her soul mate. Further, if she doesn't find him in the next year, she will remain alone forever. So she decides to revisit her past relationships and analyze every failed romance with the help of her close circle of friends.
(As my wife deliciously pointed out, where is the end-game for this series? Or, as she more succinctly put it, what kind of ho-bag does this bird need to be for the series to keep going?)

Crusoe (NBC)
A new adventure drama based on the legendary novel by Daniel Defoe. This is the tale of Robinson Crusoe, who leaves his true love to embark on an adventure, only to end up shipwrecked on a remote tropical island for 28 years. His desire to return to his wife and his strong and unlikely friendship with Friday are the only things that keep him sane.
(What kind of moron leaves his true love to embark on an adventure? I hope she dumps his ass while he's stranded!)
Look Familiar?: Sam Neill, Sean Bean

SATURDAY


No, the blog didn't suddenly end. As usual, Saturday is a complete wasteland devoid of anything redeeming. (And, no, I don't count Night Rider reruns as redeeming, no matter how desperate or drunk you get.)

Tomorrow I'll post when each and every show is scheduled to premiere. Because I'm cool like that.

-TTVB-